3 minutes
Understanding the distinction between establishing rapport and building and maintaining relationships is empowering.
Developing rapport is distinct from having a relationship with a person. There are important differences between these concepts, a fact that is critical to understand within the sphere of persuasion and influence.
When we have rapport with another person, we provide them with the experience of being understood. A relationship is a verb that we treat as an abstract noun. When a process word is treated as a noun, this is referred to as a nominalization; instead of being a concrete thing that is tangible, something that may be photographed or placed on a table, a relationship is actually the process of relating with one or more people over time. When we relate to each other effectively, we call it a “good relationship,” and when we relate ineffectively, we call it a “bad relationship.” The relationship only exists as the process of relating.
Rapport can be established instantly by relating with someone effectively in the now. Rapport is also significantly elastic. If you breach rapport, it can usually be repaired quite quickly and easily by changing and refining how we relate to each other.
Remember, most people mistakenly treat a “relationship” as a noun, when the fact is that it will always be the process by which we relate to others and they relate to us. Relating effectively and providing others with the experience of being understood ultimately builds trust. This differentiation is empowering because it helps us take ownership and accountability for how we relate with others.
How to Establish Rapport
Establishing rapport is one of the fundamental elements of persuasion and influence. As we relate to someone and realize that we have shared interests, beliefs and values, we tend to want to form friendships (another nominalization!) with these like-minded individuals, and we want to continue to relate to them over extended periods of time. In contrast, if we discover conflicting beliefs and values, we may choose to relate to them only when necessary, perhaps for the sake of business.
To establish rapport with someone, employ these building blocks. But first, be curious! Pay attention to the sensory-based information that others provide you (i.e., the building blocks listed below), and then build rapport by adjusting your communication to be more aligned with theirs. This tailored communication will make the other person—e.g., an employee or perhaps a colleague—feel better understood.
The Building Blocks of Rapport:
- Posture and gestures
- Facial expressions and blinking
- Breathing
- Voice, including tone, tempo, pitch and volume
- Word cues, whether visual, auditory or kinesthetic
- Eye patterns
- Key words and their language of motivation
It’s easy to start. To begin, simply match or mirror postures and/or gestures, which account for 55% of the impact of one’s communication. Then, refine your rapport-building skills by picking another building block to focus on. As you gain skill, remember that being subtle is of paramount importance. Building rapport is most effectively accomplished when your matching and mirroring is kept outside of the other person’s conscious awareness.
Focus on Rapport
Now that you understand how easy it is to establish and maintain rapport, you’re free from the traditional presumptions about how to influence people. For example, you can influence people with whom you would never choose to be friends, thereby greatly expanding your capacity for persuasion and leadership. Also, you can focus on building rapport instantly, thus accelerating your ability to influence others in the now. This can help you get results faster and ignite a shift in your interactions with others.
Stephen McGarvey is an international speaker, an expert on persuasion and influence, and the founder of a boutique consulting firm, Solutions in Mind. He assists corporations and audiences around the world in solving difficult communications problems by guiding them on an engaging, fast-paced, fascinating journey inside the unconscious mind. His new book is the USA Today and Wall Street Journal No. 1 Best Seller Ignite a Shift: Engaging Minds, Guiding Emotions and Driving Behavior (Morgan James Publishing, July 2022). Learn more at solutionsinmind.com.
