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Difficult discussions are necessary—at least if you want people to correct mistakes, learn, and grow. But they can be less difficult if you just remember one critical rule: You're trying to help, not win.
At some point you will have to have a difficult conversation at work. There's just no way around it. Whether you're giving not-so-positive feedback to an employee, broaching a sensitive issue with a co-worker, or even confronting a moody employee, there will come a time when you need to bite the proverbial bullet and just say what needs saying.
Holding a tough conversation is not a task for the timid. There's an art to doing it well (i.e., in a way that doesn't make the other person cry, explode, or tune out what you're saying). Even if you haven't yet mastered that art, Studer Group's Lynne Cunningham says you'll likely do OK if you focus on this key phrase: Seek to complete, not compete.
"People tend to enter tough conversations from a place of competing—they're dead-set on proving themselves right and the other person wrong," says Cunningham, author of Taking Conversations From Difficult to Doable: 3 Models to Master Tough Conversations. "The other person will focus on your tone and demeanor, not your message, and you end up harming the relationship.
"But approach the conversation from a place of 'OK, I'm seeking more information to complete my understanding,' and it will go much more smoothly," she adds. "And it's much more likely that what you need to happen will happen."
Cunningham, who is a coach for Studer Group® , built her book around the firm's three models for conducting difficult conversations: the Stub Your Toe Conversation, the Impact Message, and the Low Performer Conversation. She says the complete vs. compete rule applies to all three.
"Instead of setting up a blame/defensiveness cycle, you want to help the other person," she adds. "You're looking for a win/win outcome, not a situation in which someone has to lose if you win. You're not looking to punish, embarrass, or put the person 'in their place.' If this is your mindset, the conversation absolutely will fail."
Find three tips to help you complete, not compete in the full version of this article on the myCUES app, under “Spotlight.”
